9 posts from 2008

I recently transported five kilos of Coke across international boundaries.

I was forced into this trade by the Coca-Cola company, who, in the mid-80's, pulled a fast one on the American consumer - or, more accurately, a slow one.  They introduced a horrendously bad product called "New Coke" which, now with the benefit of hindsight, was purposely bad, so that they could then switch "back" to "Coke Classic" a few months later.  Only thing is, "back" is not entirely accurate, because what they switched to wasn't the same thing as what they had been producing before.

They had substituted high fructose corn syrup for cane sugar.  This change went largely unnoticed by the American consumer, because they were just glad to be rid of New Coke.  The company claims even today that most people can't tell the difference.  This says something about either the company (they are complete liars) or the American consumer (they can't tell piss from 1961 Chateau Latour).

I drink more Coke in the couple of weeks that I am outside of the United States than I do during the rest of the year in the country.  There's a reason for this, and the reason is quite simple:  taste.  I suppose I should be thankful that Coke tastes so bad in the States, because I'd be a fat lazy slob if I drank as much Coke in country as I do out of the country.

My understanding is that the only country in the world where Coke is produced with HFCS is the United States.  But I'm not completely sure of that and there doesn't seem to be a good Internet resource on this, so I've decided to start a little journal here.  Below I have begun a list of locales where I have been able to find sugar cane Coke, and when I verified this fact.  My goal is to grow the list as my travels allow.  Feel free to add your experience to the comments.

The format is as follows:
Country of Bottler - Date Last Verified - Location of Last Sighting

Japan - 30 Nov 2008 - Narita Airport convenience store
Mexico - Oct 2008 - 99 Ranch Market, Lynnwood, WA, USA
Singapore - 30 Nov 2008 - United Airlines flight from TPE to NRT
Taiwan - Nov 2008 - various 7 Eleven stores in Taipei, Taichung, and Tainan

I have a problem with all this making fun of Sarah Palin.

It's not that it's undeserved.  It's not even that her "positions" are defensible.

It's that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to watch her.  It is the same problem that I have with watching the TV show "The Office."  While I find the humor in the show quite hilarious and I spend most of the show laughing like the writers intended, I also spend most of the show cringing.

Watching Sarah Palin speak is like watching the most hilarious thing you've ever seen while undergoing dental surgery before the advent of anesthetics.  Frankly, it is not something that I look forward to.  So I'm going to try to avoid all this Palin-bashing, if only to spare myself the spine shivering (rip-roarin') spectacle.

Besides, it's not like I needed any further convincing.

Okay.  So it's 6 PM on Saturday.  I'm watching College Football like every patriotic American with my family and a buddy.  We're hungry.  So we decide upon that most mainstream, American, and patriotic of meals:  we order pizza for delivery to our lazy fat patriotic asses.

Or, at least we try.

This is the story of my attempt to order pizza from Dominos this evening.

This being 2008 and years into the Internet era, I first went to dominos.com to place the order online.  This affront to patriotism tells me that my local store is "temporarily" not accepting Internet orders.  Annoyed, I resigned myself to having to actually interact with a human being, albeit on the phone.  In preparation for this very important phone call (what could be more important than acquiring sustenance?) I went back to the website in order to determine what we were going to order and how much it would cost.  You know, to make sure we had sufficient funds to cover the expenditure.  I know this is possibly quite un-American, given that the greatest American financial institutions do not follow this measure of responsbility, but that is a topic for another article.  To my frustration, the website insisted that I register in order to obtain this information.

So i went ahead and registered, despite now being thoroughly annoyed at the inconsiderate means with which Dominos would surely violate my privacy with the information that I had to give them.  After several minutes, we came to the conclusion of what to order and how much it would cost us (sort of, since we had to lie about which store we were "ordering" from since our pathetic local store was "temporarily" not accepting Internet orders (or any orders, as we would soon discover, at least from us)).

Armed with this information, I made the call to what appeared to be a local phone number.  Not only that, but a number which appeared to be unique to our store.  The recorded message that greeted me informed me that I could now place this order online!  Please go to dominos.com to do that!  Yes!  Please!  You complete imbiciles.  An automated system then asked me for my name and phone number, before passing me along to a "real" "human" "being."

My call was finally answered by somebody working in a call center.  The first question he asked me?  My phone number.  These people clearly value efficiency and have the utmost consideration for their customers' time.  After providing my number again, along with my address and, oh, what the hell, my name again...  why not? I was at last able to place my order.

At this point, thinking I had at last endured the last of the Dominos Trials for this evening, I prepared to have my order read back to me and to receive my total and estimated delivery time, along with perhaps a "thank you" or other meaningless pleasantry.

But that would have been waaaaaaay too easy and hardly worthy of a blog entry.

Instead, this fine call centerman informed me that he was having trouble obtaining my total.  And that he would transfer me over to the actual local store in order to complete my order.  You know, because having me just talk to someone in the store in the first place would have been un-American and inefficient.  I was placed on hold for a moment while this happened.

When a girl who must have failed kindergarten answered the phone, she had no idea why I was there.  Frustrated that Mr. Callcenterman had neglected to spare me this indignation, I had to spend several minutes just explaining what had happened.  I guess I could have just jumped right into placing my order, but I didn't want to have two orders or be charged twice or some other screw up.  And considering Callcenterman seemed as competent as my Sprint "customer" "service" "agents" I could assume nothing.

I was finally able to place my order with Failed Kindergarten Girl, who asked me for my phone number and address.  Again.  And...

Again.

and...

Again.

Yes, this individual asked me for this information three times.  Before I even placed my order.

While placing my order, she asked me to confirm that I wanted Buffalo Shit Kickers three, three, three times.

And then, while preparing to summarize my order, she repeated my phone number.  Incorrectly.

And then, she asked me for my address.  Again.

I declined to provide it.

Instead, I will never, ever, order from Dominos Pizza again.  An institution which has such poor judgment and incompetent personnel working for them should not be permitted to supply food to me, or anybody.  I'm having Pizza Hut delivered instead, for almost twice the price.  But in terms of value, it is a much better deal.

When we think of the word siege in military terms, images of fortified walled cities in antiquity surrounded by huge armies for months come to mind.  The reasons for besieging a city are many and varied in the annals of human history.  Most of the time, the reason was obvious:  neither the attackers nor defenders could gain the upper hand, and a months or years long siege would result from the stalemate.  In antiquity, it was far too easy for the besiegers to become besieged themselves; sometimes from a relieving army allied with the defenders, sometimes from disease, and all too often, from the onset of winter.  So it was not often that an attacking army would choose to besiege a city when they could gain the upper hand in combat easily.

From the attackers' perspective, the purpose of a siege was simple:  surround the city, thereby cutting off the lines of communication, supply, and reinforcement from the outside, and eventually, the defenders would capitulate or starve in defiance.

With the evolution of warfare into the modern era, the concept of a walled city became obsolete and sieges have become a thing of the past.  (The German siege of Stalingrad in World War II being the last siege in the traditional sense of the word that I can recall.)  That being said, however, I realized the other day that, in fact, the idea of the siege is actually very much alive and well in the strategic planning of wars today.  The difference now, however, is that the siege is no longer merely applied to one city, but rather an entire enemy state at once.

I speak, of course, of the deceptively benevolent sounding "economic sanctions" deployed by today's major powers against their enemies.  If the purpose of a siege was to cut off the lifeblood of a city, then the purpose of economic sanctions is, of course, to cut off the lifeblood of an entire nation.  Economic sanctions are the modern equivalent of the siege.

When economic sanctions are levied against an enemy, the United Nations is very careful to direct them against the government, since it is not politically correct to say "we are going to starve these people out."  But that is, in fact, exactly what is going on.  While economic sanctions are usually levied to achieve some political outcome, a reasonable person cannot help but conclude that the only people who are actually hurt by economic sanctions are regular citizens.  It's simple:  if you are the despotic leader of some small aggressor country, and the world body has decided to cut you off, are you going to let yourself and your friends starve or are you going to keep on eating while some poor people at the bottom of your society starve instead?

So what is the point of the modern siege?  Is it to soften up the defenders while the attackers muster the strength to overcome their defenses and invade?  Sort of.

Since we all know that militarily, the major world powers need absolutely no softening of their enemies to make short work of them, the real purpose of economic sanctions, then, must be to provide political gain.  And in fact, this is exactly what economic sanctions are for:  it is unpopular in the modern world for powers to run roughshod over enemies, regardless of who they are or how deserving they are.  So it is necessary to put on the farce for a while, giving the despot a "chance" to change their evil ways, before the major powers go in and run roughshod over the pathetic defenders.

The problem with this modern siege is the same problem the ancients had:  besieged people are not happy people.  How can it be a surprise, then, that after a decade long siege of Iraq, the people haven't rushed out and embraced their conquerors?  Indeed, the program of economic sanctions, this modern-day equivalent of the siege, has created a whole generation of fighters who will fight the only way they have any chance of not being slaughtered en masse:  through terrorism.

On Saturday, I summited Dragontail Peak (8840'+).  Obviously, it's been an incredibly slow year in terms of mountaineering, but I finally have something to write about other than rants against the telcos.  After being an instructor for a basic climbing class in the Spring, I took some time off for family, barely staying in shape to attempt Mt. Rainier via the Emmons route last month.  Unfortunately, I tweaked my knee a couple of weeks before I was to make that attempt, on (of all hikes) Mt. Si.  The injury wasn't particularly obvious at the time, but the pain got worse as time went on, and it was one of those things where it wasn't caused by one big event.  It was probably caused by descending too fast having not been out on the trails for a good couple of months.

In any case, I made the hike up to Bandera Mountain last week with a couple of friends from out of town, and although the knee was painful, I decided it was good enough to make the attempt on Dragontail as long as I took it easy.

We got to the trailhead at about 10:00 on Friday and proceeded to set up tents for the "nap" until 4:15.  By just after 5, we were on the trail.  The first part of this climb is along the same trail that one takes to Colchuck Peak.  Just about 8, we met up with the other half of our team, which had spent the night at Colchuck Lake thanks to their backcountry camping permit.

Being my first "real" climb of the year, I was really apprehensive in some ways.  I kept thinking that I'd forgotten some vital piece of gear or that I wouldn't be prepared.  And of course, in the back of my mind was the constant thought that my knee problems only really seemed to kick in on descent.  So what if I made it up to 8840' and couldn't come down?

On the other hand, it felt great to be climbing with these guys again, especially once we slogged our way up the loose scree and rocks of Asgaard Pass.  Once at the top of the pass, we hit a snowy bowl and gaitered up, switching the poles for ice axes.  We also filtered some water.  As it turns out, my paranoia about supplies was a good thing, because I even packed the water filter.  Considering the heat, there was no way we could have had enough water without it.  I polished off about 7 liters during the day.

Surprisingly, I didn't really feel tired at any time during the climb.  The snow was welcome relief for feet, and the climbing continued steadily.  The nice thing about this route was that we were able to climb in shade all the way up Asgaard Pass, taking the heat only after we got into the snow bowl.  We made the col and then scrambled up a few more rocks to the summit after taking a quick break.  We made the summit at about 12:30.  It was a clear, beautiful day, and aside from a little smog or smoke from fires, we were able to take in a gorgeous panorama that included Mts. Rainier, Adams, Baker, Stuart, and Glacier Peak as well.

Those of us who had overnight permits then continued on to climb Witches Tower, and one of them soloed Little Annapurna as well.  I was a bit jealous, but soon put that aside as I concentrated on the descent.

Now the descent...  and the big question of the knee.  As it turned out, I was able to descend with just a constant pain throughout the afternoon.  It never really got terrible, but neither did it totally go away.  I took it very easy, and I have to admit that it was due to this slow pace that our descent took just as long as the ascent, which, I'm sure, was frustrating to the others.

Sadly, I even got to practice my ice axe arrest as I slipped while plunge stepping down the bowl, and then later, again, when I let a glissade get just a bit out of control.

Strangely enough, the knee actually seemed to do better on rocky steps than descending along the trail.  I made some adjustments to how I used the poles and that also seemed to help.  Coming down Asgaard, the main challenges were the loose rock and the overbearing sun.  The temps got up over 90 F in Leavenworth, and while it probably wasn't that bad up in the mountains, it sure felt that bad...

The only other challenge along the way was the bugs.  The mosquitos were out in force, and no amount of bug juice solved the problem entirely.  We all ended up with our share of bites.

We made the car at just after 8 PM, which seemed like forever, but at the same time, I kind of had a feeling it was take that long given my knee.  It was about the same as we'd taken on Colchuck last year, though that involved some crampons and hard snow up the very steep Colchuck Glacier.

All in all a great climb.  At this point I only have one other climb planned for the rest of the season, but maybe that will change.  Who knows...

Years and years ago, I implored the browser development community to come up with a web browser that gave me, the user, control over cookies, pop-ups, and other hijackings like window resizing or movement.  Mozilla was the first browser that answered not one, but all of my requests, and I'm happy to say that to this day, I still use the descendant of Mozilla, Firefox.

Now I realize that hardware manufacturers are not remotely as innovative or responsive as the open-source community that gave us Mozilla and Firefox, but I am going to try the same thing for a mobile phone.  I'm tired of being negative towards my mobile phone and the industry without so much as providing them a blueprint for what I want.  So I present my wish list:  the perfect phone.

The Perfect Phone

• No larger than 3" x 1" x 0.4" (if shaped cylindrically, a maximum diameter of 0.5") closed.
  
• Flip or slide mechanism - key guard is stupid, just give me the flip.  The flip is the ideal form factor for a phone.  It serves the functions of key guard and screen protector while keeping the form factor reasonable.  The challenge with the flip is that it has to be well-designed and well-constructed to endure the mechanism strain over the phone's lifetime.  This is easily addressed with good materials, engineering, and production.
• If shaped cylindrically, it should look like a short pen when closed.  Instead of a flip, I "click" the phone like a click pen and voila, it extends by a couple of inches so that you can see a small screen (say from 3" to 5").
  
• World compatible (ie. I can turn it on and use it on any digital mobile network - whether that means Quad band or tri-mode or whatever, I don't care.  Stop muddling the issue with jargon and just give me what I want.)
• 5 hours of talk time, 100 hours of standby time minimum
• 8 kB of memory, maximum - why maximum?  So the only thing I can put in there is names and phone numbers.  If I wanted any more features, I'd get a smartphone.
• 1-bit color display capable of displaying a 20 letter name and 20 digit phone number simultaneously.  I don't care if this is implemented with a series of 7-segment LEDs or if it's implemented with a 320x72 LCD.  Again, stop muddling the issue with jargon and "features" and just give me what I want.  The display must be readable in direct sunlight and the brightness must either automatically adjust or be easily adjustable so as to not blind me while I am drunk dialing in the middle of the cold dark night.
  
• The speaker driver must be made of high quality materials, such as molybdenum.  Really what I'm looking for here is high fidelity sound.  The mobile network is bad enough sound-quality-wise, the last thing I need is to have my phone contributing even more degredation to the signal before it reaches my ear.  Again, the phone must be built solidly enough that even if I turn it up a LOT the phone won't start to rattle like those cheap car stereo installs where every time the bass comes in their whole deck vibrates audibly to everyone in a two block radius.
• Speakerphone would be nice, but really I could give less a shit if the regular phone was high quality and fidelity.
  
• No camera, no internet, no Bluetooth, nothing.  Really, I don't even care to see a mic/headset hands-free port.  When you're in the car, drive.  Talk when you're sitting on the shitter.
• In fact, no ports at all.  Not even power.  Yes, you heard me.  I want this phone to operate on either 1 AA or 2 AAA batteries.  I am tired of having ten million different batteries.  We have a standard for batteries, and they're even rechargeable now.  At every opportunity, I've chosen the appliance that uses standard batteries over proprietary batteries.  This makes me a more efficient user of resources and energy, to say nothing of the impact if society as a whole would wake up to this stupidity.
  
• Since it has no ports, the phone should be waterproof to a depth of 50'.  This is optional, but it would be nice.
  
• Keys must be labeled for number and letter dialing.  I can't believe I have to fucking ask for this "feature" which has been standard on every phone I have ever seen in my entire life except for those costing more than $200.
• Clock, which is set from the mobile network's signal but can maintain the time without a signal.  One alarm.
• Classy, high-quality materials.  Why does every "simple" phone that American telcos offer look like it was designed for sale at Wal/K-Mart?  I want a simple phone that is encased in brushed aluminum or magnesium and/or carbon fibre.  The keys should be aluminum, with laser etched backlit numbers and letters.  I'm tired of cheap plastic shit that wears off within a few months of use.
• Lifetime warranty, including the flip mechanism of course.
  
• I will pay $1000 for this phone, but I refuse to be locked into any contract or network.
  

A little over a year ago, I underwent an utterly hellish process to stay loyal to Sprint and get a Motorola Q.  One day, I may document this on the blog, but not today.  I have all the e-mails saved, and the memory of the multitudes of phone calls with incompetent, undertrained, ineffective "customer" "service" "agents" will be forever seared into my memory...  I imagine that if I ever get Alzheimer's and forget my own name I will still remember the pain that this process caused.

You would think that enduring that kind of pain would net something worthy of the process.  Unfortunately, after a long year of continued frustration and just astonished, flabbergasted bewilderment, I now find it necessary to document all the ills of this phone.  I don't know if these problems are Motorola's fault, Sprint's fault, or Microsoft's fault, but frankly, I don't give a damn.  The phone is the technological equivalent of equine excrement, and every day it surprises me in some new way.  90% of the stress in my day comes from traffic, but the remaining 10% comes from my having to use the Motorola Q.

• First off, the hardware...  about the only good thing I can say about this phone is that it is built fairly solidly.  I've dropped it a couple of times and it's held up well.  Plus, the sexy black rubberized-for-your-pleasure finish is not only aesthetically pleasing but also functions to assist in grip.
• There is a set of maladies which I would like to characterize as "poor battery life," but that doesn't even begin to tell the story.  In fact, it's kind of misleading, because on a brand new battery, it was acceptable.  That is to say, on a full charge when the battery and phone were brand new, I could go an entire day with a little surfing, a little talking on the phone, and some SMS messages without having to worry too much.  Unfortunately, within 6 months, the battery life began to drop noticeably.  I am a fucking battery hound, period.  I am so anal about my batteries that I have a spreadsheet to track the charge that goes into each and every NiMH battery that I own (I have a special charger that lets me cycle each battery fully on every charge and track the energy put into every individual cell).  So don't tell me about how to properly take care of batteries.  My last phone, a Samsung Palm device, was still holding charge on its battery at a level indistinguishable from brand new 3 years later.  On the Q now, if I make it through a whole day without getting a low battery warning, I go and buy a lottery ticket because it's my fucking lucky day.
• What's even more frustrating is that the phone will literally turn itself off as if the battery died for no reason whatsoever, randomly.  I can be sitting there with 3 bars (out of 4) on the batt indicator, and five minutes later, I look at my phone, and it's fucking taking a personal day.  When I power it back on, it comes up with a random number of bars.  Sometimes, it's 3 like before it turned itself off, sometimes it gives me a low battery warning with 0 bars.  What a piece of junk.  I'd pick up a spare battery, but I refuse to give Motorola more money for a defective product.
• The "flash" on the camera must be short for "flashlight" because it is not a "flash" in the photographic sense of the word.
  
• Software-wise, it's just unbelievably buggy.  They couldn't even get something as fundamental as dialing right.  When you're on the "home" screen and press a number, it is supposed to put you into dialing mode.  The numbers you press show up at the top, and simultaneously, it brings up possible matches for the letters underneath out of your address book.  This is pretty standard for any mobile phone since, oh, I dunno...  1990?  But no, not on the Q.  Right now, as I type this rant, if I hit any number or letter from the "home" screen, what do I get?  My fucking calendar.
• Also, there is an entire friggin' qwerty keyboard on this phone.  You'd think you'd be able to dial 1-800-MOTO-SUX but no.  You have to translate the letters yourself and then dial the numbers.  How hard would it have been to include some "letter dialing" mode?  I mean, I don't even need it to be automatic.  I'd be fine with having to press alt- or shift- or whatever.  But no.  Nothing.
• Don't even get me started on IE.
• ActiveSync is neither active nor does it sync.  It is a royal pain in the ass to use, and frankly I doubt that 99% of people who don't have professional IT support have ever sync'd their Q's to their Windows machine.  And if you want to sync over Bluetooth, you might as well hit any number or letter on your Q to bring up your calendar so you can cancel your appointments for the next three days because that's how long it'll take you to figure that shit out.

I'll continue to post the misadventures I have with this phone, which I am convinced must be standard issue in Purgatory.  After all, I am locked into this contractually for another year thanks to the orifices which are the telcos.  But as long as I have to put up with this crap I might as well get my word in edgewise on it.

So Specter isn't letting this go...

"[Goodell] issued the discipline as quickly as he could to send a strong message to teams that this wouldn't be tolerated and there'd be a severe penalty if you violated the rules," Aiello said. "The discipline included they had to turn over everything they had related to that taping procedure."

Specter heard that explanation from Goodell on Wednesday. On Thursday, Specter said, "The words absurd and ridiculous keep coming to my mind because he [Goodell] says it with a straight face."  (From ESPN.com)

Dude, are you kidding me?  How can Specter say that with a straight face?

Look, the Eagles had a bad season.  I'm a Bears fan, we had a bad season too.

Get.  Over.  It.

Deal with it like all the other fans out there.  Make up some stupid storyline about how "long-suffering" you are.  How you are cursed.  How your quarterback is going to defect, blah blah blah...  But stop spending millions of our hard earned tax dollars on your petty grievances over how bad your team is.

I am dumbfounded by the sports news lately.  I expect to see names like Roger Clemens, Tom Brady...  even Michael Jordan (retired), Walter Payton (long retired and passed away), in the sports news.  So why am I seeing names of US Senators and members of Congress in the sports news?

I wish there was a simple answer, like "because our government likes to meddle in all aspects of our lives."  Hmmm, actually, that might be so simple that it's true.  But seriously, why does the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform need to investigate Roger Clemens?  It seems like a pretty simple drug case to me.  I mean, we don't see Congress investigating every teenage steroid user or every loser meth addict.  Shouldn't the Roger Clemens case be handled by the system of criminal investigation and justice that is already in place?  In other words, the law enforcement branch of the jurisdiction where the offense(s) allegedly occurred?  From a judicial perspective (and I'm no  lawyer so one of you should correct me if I'm wrong) should this investigation not be handled by a grand jury?  Or some other judicial investigative agency?

Instead, the legislative branch of our federal government is directly involved.  Last time I checked the Constitution, the legislative branch has the exclusive responsibility to make laws.  Not to interpret or enforce laws.  I believe (and you Constitutional scholars out there feel free to chime in) that it is the judicial branch which is tasked with those responsibilities.

As if the Roger Clemens case (or Barry Bonds or whoever you want to name in Major League Baseball) isn't enough, Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) has taken it upon himself and upon United States Senate to investigate the fairness of competition in a professional sports league.  Specifically, he is meeting with the Commissioner of the National Football League to discuss whether the New England Patriots cheated by videotaping opponents against the rules of the NFL.

Why is the highest legislative body in the land looking into whether a sports team cheated?  And not only that, but after the league itself already conducted an investigation.  Look, I know football consumes the lives of millions of men and women for a good half year, but let's get real here.  Even if the Patriots had gone and done something actually illegal...  say, transporting drugs or steroids on their private jet, I don't think the Senate should be the investigating body.  And they didn't even do anything illegal.  Just against the (arbitrary) rules of their own league.

What is the Senate going to do next?  Tell the NFL how to define pass interference?  Is every bad call by a ref going to be reviewed by the highest echelons of our government?

This is meddling to the extreme.  It's a ridiculous waste of my (and your) money.  It's a farce.  If these Senators and Representatives have nothing better to do with their time, they should get out of government.  And as their constituents, let me remind you that you have the power to force them out of our government.  There are far more pressing issues in the country.  At the very least, give us our money back.