iPhone or pPhone? (perfect Phone)

Years and years ago, I implored the browser development community to come up with a web browser that gave me, the user, control over cookies, pop-ups, and other hijackings like window resizing or movement.  Mozilla was the first browser that answered not one, but all of my requests, and I'm happy to say that to this day, I still use the descendant of Mozilla, Firefox.

Now I realize that hardware manufacturers are not remotely as innovative or responsive as the open-source community that gave us Mozilla and Firefox, but I am going to try the same thing for a mobile phone.  I'm tired of being negative towards my mobile phone and the industry without so much as providing them a blueprint for what I want.  So I present my wish list:  the perfect phone.

The Perfect Phone

• No larger than 3" x 1" x 0.4" (if shaped cylindrically, a maximum diameter of 0.5") closed.
  
• Flip or slide mechanism - key guard is stupid, just give me the flip.  The flip is the ideal form factor for a phone.  It serves the functions of key guard and screen protector while keeping the form factor reasonable.  The challenge with the flip is that it has to be well-designed and well-constructed to endure the mechanism strain over the phone's lifetime.  This is easily addressed with good materials, engineering, and production.
• If shaped cylindrically, it should look like a short pen when closed.  Instead of a flip, I "click" the phone like a click pen and voila, it extends by a couple of inches so that you can see a small screen (say from 3" to 5").
  
• World compatible (ie. I can turn it on and use it on any digital mobile network - whether that means Quad band or tri-mode or whatever, I don't care.  Stop muddling the issue with jargon and just give me what I want.)
• 5 hours of talk time, 100 hours of standby time minimum
• 8 kB of memory, maximum - why maximum?  So the only thing I can put in there is names and phone numbers.  If I wanted any more features, I'd get a smartphone.
• 1-bit color display capable of displaying a 20 letter name and 20 digit phone number simultaneously.  I don't care if this is implemented with a series of 7-segment LEDs or if it's implemented with a 320x72 LCD.  Again, stop muddling the issue with jargon and "features" and just give me what I want.  The display must be readable in direct sunlight and the brightness must either automatically adjust or be easily adjustable so as to not blind me while I am drunk dialing in the middle of the cold dark night.
  
• The speaker driver must be made of high quality materials, such as molybdenum.  Really what I'm looking for here is high fidelity sound.  The mobile network is bad enough sound-quality-wise, the last thing I need is to have my phone contributing even more degredation to the signal before it reaches my ear.  Again, the phone must be built solidly enough that even if I turn it up a LOT the phone won't start to rattle like those cheap car stereo installs where every time the bass comes in their whole deck vibrates audibly to everyone in a two block radius.
• Speakerphone would be nice, but really I could give less a shit if the regular phone was high quality and fidelity.
  
• No camera, no internet, no Bluetooth, nothing.  Really, I don't even care to see a mic/headset hands-free port.  When you're in the car, drive.  Talk when you're sitting on the shitter.
• In fact, no ports at all.  Not even power.  Yes, you heard me.  I want this phone to operate on either 1 AA or 2 AAA batteries.  I am tired of having ten million different batteries.  We have a standard for batteries, and they're even rechargeable now.  At every opportunity, I've chosen the appliance that uses standard batteries over proprietary batteries.  This makes me a more efficient user of resources and energy, to say nothing of the impact if society as a whole would wake up to this stupidity.
  
• Since it has no ports, the phone should be waterproof to a depth of 50'.  This is optional, but it would be nice.
  
• Keys must be labeled for number and letter dialing.  I can't believe I have to fucking ask for this "feature" which has been standard on every phone I have ever seen in my entire life except for those costing more than $200.
• Clock, which is set from the mobile network's signal but can maintain the time without a signal.  One alarm.
• Classy, high-quality materials.  Why does every "simple" phone that American telcos offer look like it was designed for sale at Wal/K-Mart?  I want a simple phone that is encased in brushed aluminum or magnesium and/or carbon fibre.  The keys should be aluminum, with laser etched backlit numbers and letters.  I'm tired of cheap plastic shit that wears off within a few months of use.
• Lifetime warranty, including the flip mechanism of course.
  
• I will pay $1000 for this phone, but I refuse to be locked into any contract or network.